thoughts

I take my anti-depressants – 4 of them – each night before bed.  I rarely miss a dose.  I don’t know if they’re not working now or if they’ve ever really worked.  Maybe they just feel like they work because my mood sometimes goes up but it really has nothing to do with them.  Maybe my mood would be up if I take them or not because here’s the thing… I wish I was dead right now.  I’m depressed and in a bad way and have been for a while.  Nothing makes me happy or satisfied.  All I want to do is sleep.  Nothing has changed; I have not stopped taking my meds and in fact have had the dose increased recently.  Nothing has changed so why am I so bad?  I can’t tell my boyfriend because he thinks everything is about him.  If I tell him how bad I truly am he’ll think it’s his fault or I don’t love him enough.  It has nothing to do with him.  I started taking depression medications when I was 14 and have been playing with doses and different ones ever since.  I wish I had a support system but I don’t.  My dad doesn’t believe in depression.  I’m not close enough with my brothers or sisters and my daughter is too young.  I don’t have friends.  My depression likes to manifest itself as physical symptoms like I’ll get headaches and tummy aches.  Plus its easier to say I’m shutting the world out because I have a headache – people tend to understand and respect that better than I wish I was dead, smiling hurts and talking takes more energy than I have right now.  It’s funny how physical maladies are more respected than mental ones.  It’s just so damned hard right now.  How am I supposed to go out and be fine, act fine, when all I can think about is hurting myself?  When all my energy goes into being alive? How am I supposed to make him feel better about his life when mine feels like it is falling apart around me? I just want to isolate.  I want to be alone.  I feel alone so I should be alone. But I won’t be alone.  I’ll go to his house, I’ll smile and make small talk as much as I’m able.  Make jokes if I can and pretend everything is fine.  Because I can’t upset him – he has actual physical ailments so I have no right to be feeling like this. That’s the absolute worst part, I think – feeling like I have no rights.  Like since I don’t have physical problems, constant physical pain or disabilities… I’m all mental… so it can’t be real, right?  It’s all in my head.  I should just think it better.  Try harder.  Don’t complain because we don’t want to upset anyone.  Someone has it worse than you so keep smiling.  Stop crying.  Put the knife down.  I have no rights.