Well it looks like the scale is finally starting to move in the right direction! I’ve lost 8 lbs in the last 8 days and while I don’t really notice a difference other people are starting to. Which is nice. I went and babysat my niece on Saturday and both my sister and her husband commented that they could tell I’m losing. Which really feels good. I know, I know. I’m doing this for me – blah blah blah but to be 100% honest I WANT people to notice. I want to be an acceptable size and for people to find me attractive along with me feeling more confident and healthier etc. I have Sean and I know he loves me but when you’ve gone so long feeling like the most unattractive piece of poo because most people won’t look at you twice or if they do its with a sneer on their face it’s nice to think someone might eventually look on me favourably.
I’ve been having a really hard time with getting my water and vitamins in lately. I have an app on my phone that tracks my water intake (well, I have to input the numbers but it lets me see what I’ve drank and how much is left to go for the day) and an app that tells me when its time to take my vitamins. The last couple days I’ve been feeling down and just haven’t been getting enough in. Hopefully when I go to the doctor tomorrow there won’t be any concerns as a result. I’m still trying – I haven’t given up like some people. I’m hoping I’ll be cleared for exercise too when I go. Not that I’ll actually start exercising until the 14th when I get my gym membership started, but it’ll be good to know I can. I’m also going to ask about clearance to go back to work. NOT that I want to go – but I have to. I have no reason to stay home anymore. I’m physically healed and can tolerate most foods and know what I’ll need to pack each day.
The one MAJOR problem I see with going back to work is that I still haven’t been paid a full paycheque since March 3rd and no money AT ALL since June 4th. And I’m broke. I mean, absolutely FLAT BROKE. How am I supposed to pay for gas and parking when I have no money to spend and no one to loan me any (as I’ve already exhausted all my borrowing options)? I’ve talked with disability and they’re going to approve my claim for part time from March 3rd to May 20th but they still need documentation from May 21st till June 30th when I’m thinking of going back. I don’t understand what they’re missing – the doctors note says I’m having surgery and I’ll be off for 4 – 6 weeks. They said they need to understand if I’d have been able to go back had I not had the surgery… what? What difference does that make? Either way they’d be paying me to be off for depression if I couldn’t or off for surgery because I WAS off. I don’t get it but hopefully they’ll have an answer as to WHEN I’ll get paid and to how MUCH I’ll get paid. My landlords are really REALLY mad that I still haven’t paid them for June and the month is practically over. Not to mention all the bills that are piling up and my car payment that has bounced twice now (2 out of 2 times it’s tried to come out…)
Mood-wise I’ve been pretty low. Yesterday was an exceptionally bad day. I stayed in bed for most of it, even though Zoey was here. It was ok because she wasn’t feeling well and spent most of her time sleeping on the couch. I miss Sean a lot and am getting pretty anxious as to wanting to live with him NOW. Every time I leave him hurts worse than the last time. Plus I just want to get a new job and get on with starting my new life. I acknowledge the job I have now is really good and pays extremely well and I’ll never get a similar job with my lack of knowledge and experience, but I still just plain don’t like it. I was happier when I was making $14 at a call centre – where I had friends, and people talked to me. And where I had to THINK. I know they gave me this job to do because it was less stressful because it had few time constraints and not a lot of thinking but I am a smart girl and I like to think. I like to be challenged. It is so hard to go to a job you hate every day. But I have a lead on a job that I think I might want – they called Thursday afternoon and I was unable to get to the phone, as well my stupid answering service only took 3 messages at a time so they weren’t able to leave one. But I google’d their # and it was from a place I applied to. I called back on Friday but no one answered, so I’m going to call again today. I also have a job interview on Wednesday but it doesn’t really pay enough so I don’t know if I’ll accept it.
Oh well… I’m done for now. Here are my stats:
Highest Weight: 320
Weight day of surgery: 277
Weight 2 days after surgery: 285
Weight now: 260
Total weight lost: 60
Weight lost since surgery day: 17