June 15 – 268 lbs

You know, I really don’t want to be a whiny baby… but that’s precicely what I’m turning into.  Whiny and miserable.  I can say I’m lucky because I haven’t had any really bad side effects and aside from the maybe (but not) blood clot I haven’t had any reason to go to an emergency room after surgery but I’m so miserable I don’t see that when I’m looking at my “journey”.  All I see are farts and restrictions.  And no desire to actually eat anything.  I mean I get head hungry and bored hungry but when I get up to eat there’s nothing I can have that I want. When it comes to eating meals, I’m just not interested.  I don’t get the feeling of being hungry in my tummy and more often than not the idea of eating something makes me feel sick. 

Not only that, but the act of eating is excrutiating.  I have to go slow which, contrary to popular belief, does NOT make me enjoy my food more.  In fact, going slow is work.  I have to think about each bite and I get no enjoyment out of eating.  I guess that’s partly the point of surgery but it makes me not want to do it.  I’m getting all my protein in (forcefully) and I’m usually getting more than my required water amounts in so I’m still doing what I’m supposed to, but right now I’m doing it out of fear.  Fear because I’ve read some real horror stories about people not doing what they’re supposed to and how badly things can get really quick.  So I do what I’m supposed to so I’m not one of them. 

It doesn’t help that financially I’m completely screwed still.  Yes, disability FINALLY has all my paperwork but they have till the 23rd to finish it and make a decision on it.  Even if the decision is they need more information – which would be the crappiest decision EVER since I’ve been waiting since March 3rd for my money.  Even if they do approve me I won’t see money before EVERYTHING is due again.  It definitely makes it that I don’t want to go back since I’m being screwed first by my boss, then by HR and now I have to wait for disability.  I’m trying to get a job in Guelph still, but no one wants me.  Which BLOWS because all I want is a customer service position hopefully in a call centre, and I KNOW I am qualified for one of those, seeing as how I’ve been doing them for the last 16 years – and well, I might add. 

I guess I should try to look at the bright side of things.  My local support group (for only people who had surgery at my clinic) says this weight stall is completely normal, my emotions running wild are completely normal and my having no desire to eat anything is completely normal… I made a new online friend who also had surgery who works at my work.  My friend, Basel, is looking at my resume and last I checked she worked in an HR position.  Sean loves me.  Zoey loves me.  I just wish I could feel the love as opposed to simply knowing it was there.

Oftentimes I’m wondering why I did this.  I haven’t lost any weight in weeks and it’s uncomfortable to drink water.  I mean, if I sip it slowly I can drink it but I don’t want to sip it slowly.  I want to take big gulps and I can’t.  There’s so much that I want that I’m just feeling deprived.  I know, whiny baby.  I’m sure no one wants to read this because its just whining but I have no good news to share right now.  I feel badly, this was supposed to be a forum to share my journey and to be informative for what to expect for people who are starting their own journeys.  Everyone says I’m doing well, and that they notice a difference but to spell it out, I’ve lost approximately 10 lbs since the day I went in for surgery.  10.  I probably could have done that on my own if I followed the same restrictions I have in place now (calories, protein, fat, etc.) I realize I’ve lost 52 lbs all together, but 42 of those were lost before surgery and if I could do it then, why the heck did I get the surgery in the first place?

My diabetes is gone.  Although they say it never leaves – you’ll always be a diabetic – it is now strictly diet controlled.  So I guess that’s another good thing.  But does it make the rest of it worth it?  I don’t know.  I think I’m not going to update as often as I have been, seeing as there’s nothing to update but complaints.  Maybe when things start going well I’ll come back more often.

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3 Comments

  1. Your discouragement is completely understandable. I hope you know I love you too 🙂
    I hope things pick up soon and that all the financial stress is solved by people doing what they’re supposed to do… so that you can relax and enjoy things again.
    I think the job thing will sort itself once you’re there – people are reluctant to hire someone who can’t start on Monday, so to speak.
    Hang in there, honey. It WILL get better!

  2. My mom had her surgery in March 2002 – I was a senior in high school at the time and was there for the surgery and obviously every moment thereafter. I saw her go through the motions for sure… So, everything you’re feeling is normal and A- OK! As least from my experience as a third party. Some unsolicited advice from the daughter perspective: it’s as much an emotional journey as it is physical; don’t dismiss your feelings, get through them and move forward. You aren’t superwoman and that’s okay. It’s a little weird and a little sad to start saying goodbye to old/bad habits… The “old you”. I have to remind myself of the same all of the time… Sometimes it feels like I’m breaking up with myself, which sounds a little weird but maybe you get it. “Old you” started this journey.. kindly thank her and be merry. 🙂

    Most of all.. this part is only temporary!

    Good luck!

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