So today I’m going to start off with a warning… support groups are great BUT you can NOT compare yourself to others, or else you’ll get freaked out. I’m reading about these women losing like 100lbs in 9 months and I’m thinking that’s exactly what I want to do! So I continue reading, and they’re eating 2oz of food 4 times a day. Or 2.5 cups of food a day… and I’ve just been eyeballing it today but I’m pretty sure I’m eating more than that. Like a cup at a time 4 times a day. I was told by the nutritionist not to worry about calories yet, just worry about getting protein and water in and I have – but the app I use to track that also tracks calories. So I’m eating about 800-1000 calories per day and getting in my 60+ grams of protein and my 64 oz of water but I feel like I’m constantly eating and since the scale isn’t really moving all that much I feel justified in feeling this way. I really don’t want to fail again. At least before when I failed I could eat pizza or chips and be justified in guilt… now if I fail its just because I’m a big failure even with the best tools around at my disposal.
Ugh… I’ve been crying all day. There’s no point in crying, I know, but there you have it. I know partly its because I’m off my psych meds but I also found out its partly from the surgery. Apparently almost everyone goes through something like this where their hormones go crazy. It also doesn’t help that my money troubles are increasing, the pantry is getting very low, and the bank stole my money. Oh, they’re giving it back. Yes, but it’ll take about 5 business days. Thanks. Hopefully when I call disability tomorrow they’ll have good news for me.
I can’t wait till Tuesday. I’m going to Guelph to be with Sean. I will spend time job hunting but at least I’ll be with someone supportive and I won’t be alone with my thoughts. I wish I could go and never come back. Just disappear and start over. I’d obviously still want to see my daughter but just leave everything else behind.
Oh, I threw up today. Turns out my new tummy does NOT tolerate hard boiled eggs. Fried eggs – fine. Scrambled eggs – fine. Hard boiled eggs = that stuck feeling and eventual vomiting. I’m kind of glad though. Sounds stupid but there was a small part of me that thought maybe I didn’t really get the surgery – like it was a placebo test or something – because the scale wasn’t really moving and I never felt full or dumped or got sick like everyone else. Now I know I do have a new tummy for sure even though I can’t feel full. Apparently that is because they’ve cut nerves in the stomach and it might take a while (if ever) to get that feeling back.
So I’m bawling as I write this. Just uncontrollable crying. I can’t afford to go back on medicine so I’m hoping this will pass without getting any worse. I have a drug plan, but the medicine I was on, after the 80% coverage, still came to over $100/month and it was the only combination that worked. My dad isn’t supportive, he just thinks depression is a matter of pulling up your socks and working hard. My brother and sister understand, but I don’t think my other brother and other sister do. Not that it matters, they all have their own lives now and I don’t see much of them. I talk to my aunts who are supportive but again they live far away so I can’t just go over for coffee. Truth is, I’ve isolated myself for so long I don’t have many real-life friends. I have a bunch of Facebook/computer friends, but no one I see in person. I’m hoping my new life in Guelph will change that – I’m prepared to change my outlook on life and my attitude to go with my new body.
Oh well… enough rambling. Here are today’s numbers
Current weight: 268.2
Starting weight: 320
In hospital weight: 285.3
Total weight lost: 51.8