June 29, 2014 – 257.4 lbs

Yesterday we went to my dads wedding. I was proud of myself because I didn’t cry! I went with my boyfriend, Sean, and my daughter Zoey and her boyfriend. We all looked amazing!

Sean convinced me to try on a red/blue striped dress. I originally didn’t want to try it on because it was red and I usually only wear black and because of the stigma with horizontal stripes but I’m glad I did because it looked great! I got a picture of me and my daughter but we completely forgot to get a picture of him and I. I was sad because he looked exceptionally good yesterday.

We went to the reception (it was a lunch) and I took a piece of roasted chicken, one meatball, one piece of sausage 6 penne noodles, 2 pieces of zucchini, 2 pieces of roasted potatoes and 3 asparagus spears. I tried the chicken and only got a couple bites down. It wasn’t sitting well. So I tried 2 penne noodles and same thing. I knew if I kept going id be sick so I stopped eating for a few minutes. Now, I’ve been able to eat chicken and penne before so I don’t know if it was the heat or what but I just couldn’t stomach it yesterday.

After a few minutes I was able to get the meatball down and try the sausage, which was spicy so I only had one bite. I ate the zucchini pieces and all three asparagus spears. I had half of one piece of potato. So I didn’t do well with protein but I managed to get some food in which was much better than I did the day before where I only had a lunchable and 1/4 piece of fish. I just haven’t been hungry or able to eat without feeling sick lately.

It’s been really hot and humid here the last few days and I’m sure that has something to do with my tummy acting up. Because I haven’t been feeling well at all I have had trouble getting in my vitamins and water. This morning my legs cramped up while I was sleeping and usually the only way to fix them is to stand up and the muscles relax. Well, scary thing, I tried standing up and couldn’t. I fell about 4 times before I could actually manage to get up.

Yesterday my aunt and boyfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. I had a veggie kabob, coleslaw and steak. I wasn’t hungry and ate maybe 1/3 of the steak, about a 2 inch piece of corn, one mushroom off the kabob and some mushrooms from on top of the steak. It all tasted wonderful but I just couldn’t eat. So I’m going to try again today. I’ve got to do groceries but with nothing being appealing or able to sit well my desire is to just not go.

I also have to return my boyfriend to his home in Guelph. Sad face. The closer we get to moving in together the harder it is to send him home or to leave him there. I have a full house over night and he had to sleep on the couch. It’s still pretty early here and I know he stayed up late and he’s still sleeping on the couch and I’m sitting on the love seat. He’s so adorable when he sleeps. I don’t want to disturb him so I’m leaving him alone even though I’d rather wake him up and share his company. But I guess I’ll go back to bed (where my daughter is sleeping) and try to get a bit more time. I only slept about 4 hours so kind of tired.

So numbers for today:
Current weight 257.4 lbs
Starting weight: 320
Weight on day of surgery: 277 lbs

June 26, 2014 – 259 lbs

So I have THREE major non-scale victories to share tonight. The first one happened when I was running late for a doctors appointment. I didn’t feel like waiting for the elevator so I decided to take the flight of stairs up to the office. So I took the stairs in a rush and wasn’t out of breath! Usually I’d be loudly huffing and puffing and would find it hard to speak to the receptionist for a few minutes. Not only could I talk, but my blood pressure was in the perfect range!

The second NSV happened when I went to the hair dresser. You know how some of them put that little tissue paper around your neck before they put the gown on? Well today, for the first time since I can remember, it actually fit all the way around and even overlapped a bit!

The third NSV happened when I went to Red Lobster for dinner. I actually got a little emotional and teared up a bit. I sat down and actually FIT in the booth with inches to spare between my belly and the table! 6 months ago when I went my tummy was right up against the table and even over it a bit. It was very uncomfortable. I ordered the stuffed talapia with broccoli and rice. I literally ate two bites of rice, a couple florets of broccoli and half the fish. I ate a few bites of salad and about 1/2 of a biscuit. So I ate quite a lot and was a bit uncomfortable but I didn’t get sick or anything.

Yesterday was a bad day. My boyfriend and I were fighting and it was our first real fight. I got scared and reverted to old habits where I started retreating and took my stuff out of his house and left. We didn’t talk much as I felt he had put up walls and I got very defensive. After a day of fighting I swallowed my pride and told him I missed him and that I love him. And we started working things out. I’m going back tomorrow to see him and confirm that I love him and want to be with him.

I think it shows growth on my part that I was able to come to him in a vulnerable position and tell him honestly how I felt. I was terrified of being rejected but I love him so much I just had to let him know and take the chance. And thank God I did. I’d be so upset with myself if I had let my pride stand in the way.

FINALLY most of the hassle with my disability is over. I got paid! So I’m caught up on my rent and bills. It’s a good feeling. I’ve also got my doctor’s notes telling that I can go back to work and start exercising. I can’t do core workouts for a other month but at least I can start somewhere.

So other than the blip that was our major first fight the last couple days have been great. I haven’t lost much weight since the last post but the NSV’s were amazing!

Total weight lost: 61 lbs
Weight lost since surgery: 18

Went toy one month follow up and they say I’m doing great!

June 23rd, 2014 260.0 lbs

Well it looks like the scale is finally starting to move in the right direction!  I’ve lost 8 lbs in the last 8 days and while I don’t really notice a difference other people are starting to.  Which is nice.  I went and babysat my niece on Saturday and both my sister and her husband commented that they could tell I’m losing.  Which really feels good.  I know, I know.  I’m doing this for me – blah blah blah but to be 100% honest I WANT people to notice.  I want to be an acceptable size and for people to find me attractive along with me feeling more confident and healthier etc.  I have Sean and I know he loves me but when you’ve gone so long feeling like the most unattractive piece of poo because most people won’t look at you twice or if they do its with a sneer on their face it’s nice to think someone might eventually look on me favourably.

I’ve been having a really hard time with getting my water and vitamins in lately.  I have an app on my phone that tracks my water intake (well, I have to input the numbers but it lets me see what I’ve drank and how much is left to go for the day) and an app that tells me when its time to take my vitamins.  The last couple days I’ve been feeling down and just haven’t been getting enough in.  Hopefully when I go to the doctor tomorrow there won’t be any concerns as a result.  I’m still trying – I haven’t given up like some people.  I’m hoping I’ll be cleared for exercise too when I go.  Not that I’ll actually start exercising until the 14th when I get my gym membership started, but it’ll be good to know I can.  I’m also going to ask about clearance to go back to work.  NOT that I want to go – but I have to.  I have no reason to stay home anymore.  I’m physically healed and can tolerate most foods and know what I’ll  need to pack each day. 

The one MAJOR problem I see with going back to work is that I still haven’t been paid a full paycheque since March 3rd and no money AT ALL since June 4th.  And I’m broke.  I mean,  absolutely FLAT BROKE.  How am I supposed to pay for gas and parking when I have no money to spend and no one to loan me any (as I’ve already exhausted all my borrowing options)?  I’ve talked with disability and they’re going to approve my claim for part time from March 3rd to May 20th but they still need documentation from May 21st till June 30th when I’m thinking of going back.  I don’t understand what they’re missing – the doctors note says I’m having surgery and I’ll be off for 4 – 6 weeks.  They said they need to understand if I’d have been able to go back had I not had the surgery… what?  What difference does that make?   Either way they’d be paying me to be off for depression if I couldn’t or off for surgery because I WAS off.  I don’t get it but hopefully they’ll have an answer as to WHEN I’ll get paid and to how MUCH I’ll get paid.  My landlords are really REALLY mad that I still haven’t paid them for June and the month is practically over.  Not to mention all the bills that are piling up and my car payment that has bounced twice now (2 out of 2 times it’s tried to come out…)

Mood-wise I’ve been pretty low.  Yesterday was an exceptionally bad day.  I stayed in bed for most of it, even though Zoey was here.   It was ok because she wasn’t feeling well and spent most of her time sleeping on the couch.  I miss Sean a lot and am getting pretty anxious as to wanting to live with him NOW.  Every time I leave him hurts worse than the last time.  Plus I just want to get a new job and get on with starting my new life.  I acknowledge the job I have now is really good and pays extremely well and I’ll never get a similar job with my lack of knowledge and experience, but I still just plain don’t like it.  I was happier when I was making $14 at a call centre – where I had friends, and people talked to me.  And where I had to THINK.  I know they gave me this job to do because it was less stressful because it had few time constraints and not a lot of thinking but I am a smart girl and I like to think.  I like to be challenged.  It is so hard to go to a job you hate every day.  But I have a lead on a job that I think I might want – they called Thursday afternoon and I was unable to get to the phone, as well my stupid answering service only took 3 messages at a time so they weren’t able to leave one.  But I google’d their # and it was from a place I applied to.  I called back on Friday but no one answered, so I’m going to call again today.  I also have a job interview on Wednesday but it doesn’t really pay enough so I don’t know if I’ll accept it. 

Oh well… I’m done for now.  Here are my stats:

Highest Weight: 320

Weight day of surgery: 277

Weight 2 days after surgery: 285

Weight now: 260

Total weight lost: 60

Weight lost since surgery day:  17

June 15 – 268 lbs

You know, I really don’t want to be a whiny baby… but that’s precicely what I’m turning into.  Whiny and miserable.  I can say I’m lucky because I haven’t had any really bad side effects and aside from the maybe (but not) blood clot I haven’t had any reason to go to an emergency room after surgery but I’m so miserable I don’t see that when I’m looking at my “journey”.  All I see are farts and restrictions.  And no desire to actually eat anything.  I mean I get head hungry and bored hungry but when I get up to eat there’s nothing I can have that I want. When it comes to eating meals, I’m just not interested.  I don’t get the feeling of being hungry in my tummy and more often than not the idea of eating something makes me feel sick. 

Not only that, but the act of eating is excrutiating.  I have to go slow which, contrary to popular belief, does NOT make me enjoy my food more.  In fact, going slow is work.  I have to think about each bite and I get no enjoyment out of eating.  I guess that’s partly the point of surgery but it makes me not want to do it.  I’m getting all my protein in (forcefully) and I’m usually getting more than my required water amounts in so I’m still doing what I’m supposed to, but right now I’m doing it out of fear.  Fear because I’ve read some real horror stories about people not doing what they’re supposed to and how badly things can get really quick.  So I do what I’m supposed to so I’m not one of them. 

It doesn’t help that financially I’m completely screwed still.  Yes, disability FINALLY has all my paperwork but they have till the 23rd to finish it and make a decision on it.  Even if the decision is they need more information – which would be the crappiest decision EVER since I’ve been waiting since March 3rd for my money.  Even if they do approve me I won’t see money before EVERYTHING is due again.  It definitely makes it that I don’t want to go back since I’m being screwed first by my boss, then by HR and now I have to wait for disability.  I’m trying to get a job in Guelph still, but no one wants me.  Which BLOWS because all I want is a customer service position hopefully in a call centre, and I KNOW I am qualified for one of those, seeing as how I’ve been doing them for the last 16 years – and well, I might add. 

I guess I should try to look at the bright side of things.  My local support group (for only people who had surgery at my clinic) says this weight stall is completely normal, my emotions running wild are completely normal and my having no desire to eat anything is completely normal… I made a new online friend who also had surgery who works at my work.  My friend, Basel, is looking at my resume and last I checked she worked in an HR position.  Sean loves me.  Zoey loves me.  I just wish I could feel the love as opposed to simply knowing it was there.

Oftentimes I’m wondering why I did this.  I haven’t lost any weight in weeks and it’s uncomfortable to drink water.  I mean, if I sip it slowly I can drink it but I don’t want to sip it slowly.  I want to take big gulps and I can’t.  There’s so much that I want that I’m just feeling deprived.  I know, whiny baby.  I’m sure no one wants to read this because its just whining but I have no good news to share right now.  I feel badly, this was supposed to be a forum to share my journey and to be informative for what to expect for people who are starting their own journeys.  Everyone says I’m doing well, and that they notice a difference but to spell it out, I’ve lost approximately 10 lbs since the day I went in for surgery.  10.  I probably could have done that on my own if I followed the same restrictions I have in place now (calories, protein, fat, etc.) I realize I’ve lost 52 lbs all together, but 42 of those were lost before surgery and if I could do it then, why the heck did I get the surgery in the first place?

My diabetes is gone.  Although they say it never leaves – you’ll always be a diabetic – it is now strictly diet controlled.  So I guess that’s another good thing.  But does it make the rest of it worth it?  I don’t know.  I think I’m not going to update as often as I have been, seeing as there’s nothing to update but complaints.  Maybe when things start going well I’ll come back more often.

June 13 – 267.2 lbs

So they are saying the first couple months after surgery you are still healing so not to expect too much.  But no one tells you this BEFORE surgery so I had expectations.  I’m only down 10 lbs since the day I went in for surgery, May 21st 2014.  And let me tell you I am NOT happy.  Here are my numbers… approximately 1 year ago I weighed 320 lbs and was diagnosed with diabetes.  I decided then and there that that was unacceptable and started the process of getting weight loss surgery.  Somehow (and I say somehow because I didn’t do it on purpose) I lost weight on my own and was down to 277 on the day of surgery.  2 days after surgery I got on their scale and it said 285 but they told me that was mostly from the IV fluids.  Which I was ok with because it gives the appearance of a higher starting number.  As of today I weigh 267.

I’m doing everything right, for the most part.  I’m measuring my food and not taking in too much in quantity.  I’m paying attention to protein (getting minimum of 60 grams per day in – usually more) and keeping fat and sugar low.  Staying at about 800 – 1000 calories per day even though I was told not to pay attention to that yet.  I’m not focussing on the calories, but my app that tracks protein etc also tracks calories.  When I snack I do it relatively smart.  The worst thing I’ve snacked on is ice cream – and it was low fat, no sugar added, lacotse free ice cream in a 1/2 cup serving size.  Otherwise I snack on things like a cheese string (as opposed to 3 or 4 like before) or a no sugar added pudding cup.  I’m even trying to pay attention to sodium levels – again, even though I wasn’t told to. 

I’m not cleared for exercise yet so I don’t do much other than walking.  To be honest I don’t do my hour a day like I’m supposed to – but I hate walking unless I have a destination to get to.  I joined a gym for July 14th – the monday after I move to Guelph.  By then I should be cleared for exercise.  I’m actually excited to go because I really want to lose some weight, tone up and stop being tired all the time. 

I thought I’d be throwing up, dumping and craving my favourite foods but I didn’t think this “difficult journey” was going to be difficult because I’m not losing anything significant.  I expected hard times, but no one warned me about this.  I read about people who are gaining weight back years out because they’re eating like crazy and not paying attention to what and then I read about people who lose like 100 lbs in 8 months doing everything right.  Well I want to know who I’ll be and right now I can’t tell.  The NOT losing makes me want to eat.  Like screw this, if I’m not losing why am I denying myself? What’s the point?  Yes, yes, I’m going to be healthier.  And yes I acknowledge 320 lbs down to 267 is a good thing.  Maybe I just want to be whiny though and maybe I’m self-sabotaging. 

Things are worse when I’m at my house and Sean isn’t here.  I can’t wait to move to Guelph to be with him.  It’s not that he’s a food cop or anything or that I rely on him to tell me what to eat, but when I’m with him I’m not bored or stuck inside my own head.  We do things, we talk about things (even if it is about food) and I find I’m not focussed on what I can’t do or eat.  And I find I want to make him proud so its easier to skip the bad stuff. 

I didn’t want to make my blog about whining and complaining and it seems like that’s all I do lately which is why I haven’t been submitting as often as I used to.  So I’m going to end today with a warning – to all you who haven’t had surgery yet you might want to ask what kind of weight loss to expect – but ASK YOUR DOCTOR. Don’t go by what everyone on the support groups are saying.  And don’t give yourself false hopes because it hurts when you crash down from them.

Day 40 – 266.4 lbs

So today was a “hollow” day.  I’d eat my prescribed amount of food (I’m at 1/2 cup now) and I’d feel fullish (still don’t get a real full feeling just that I’m satisfied) but shortly after I’d be hungry again.  I ate about 1200 calories today and although I was told not to watch my calories yet I know this is more than most people are told to eat.  I did have ground beef which even though was extra lean was still high in calories so I know that contributed to it. 

I made a friend today who lives in Niagara Falls and they introduced me to a Facebook support group that is only for people who went to our clinic.  Which is AWESOME because I know they have the same rules as me.  They also have get-togethers and clothing swaps and some people have become really good friends.  So I’m hoping I’ll make a friend or two in “real life” (as opposed to my computer only friends) and maybe I’ll get me some cool clothes too.

So… as I mentioned I ate ground beef today.  I made tacos with homemade taco flavours.  It was yummy and I handled the ground beef like a pro.  The tummy wasn’t too sure about the wraps though and got a little bit of that full feeling.  Didn’t even think to check if I was allowed to have the wraps yet, and turns out I’m not 😦 so I’ll have to wait till week 5 before I try again. 

Nothing much else to report. 

Todays weight: 266.4

Starting weight: 320

In-Hospital weight: 285.3

Total weight lost so far: 53.6 lbs

 

 

Day 39 – 268.2 lbs

So today I’m going to start off with a warning… support groups are great BUT you can NOT compare yourself to others, or else you’ll get freaked out.  I’m reading about these women losing like 100lbs in 9 months and I’m thinking that’s exactly what I want to do! So I continue reading, and they’re eating 2oz of food 4 times a day.  Or 2.5 cups of food a day… and I’ve just been eyeballing it today but I’m pretty sure I’m eating more than that.  Like a cup at a time 4 times a day.  I was told by the nutritionist not to worry about calories yet, just worry about getting protein and water in and I have – but the app I use to track that also tracks calories.  So I’m eating about 800-1000 calories per day and getting in my 60+ grams of protein and my 64 oz of water but I feel like I’m constantly eating and since the scale isn’t really moving all that much I feel justified in feeling this way.  I really don’t want to fail again.  At least before when I failed I could eat pizza or chips and be justified in guilt… now if I fail its just because I’m a big failure even with the best tools around at my disposal. 

Ugh… I’ve been crying all day.  There’s no point in crying, I know, but there you have it.  I know partly its because I’m off my psych meds but I also found out its partly from the surgery.  Apparently almost everyone goes through something like this where their hormones go crazy.  It also doesn’t help that my money troubles are increasing, the pantry is getting very low, and the bank stole my money.  Oh, they’re giving it back.  Yes, but it’ll take about 5 business days.  Thanks.  Hopefully when I call disability tomorrow they’ll have good news for me. 

I can’t wait till Tuesday.  I’m going to Guelph to be with Sean.  I will spend time job hunting but at least I’ll be with someone supportive and I won’t be alone with my thoughts.  I wish I could go and never come back.  Just disappear and start over.  I’d obviously still want to see my daughter but just leave everything else behind. 

Oh, I threw up today.  Turns out my new tummy does NOT tolerate hard boiled eggs.  Fried eggs – fine.  Scrambled eggs – fine.  Hard boiled eggs = that stuck feeling and eventual vomiting.  I’m kind of glad though.  Sounds stupid but there was a small part of me that thought maybe I didn’t really get the surgery – like it was a placebo test or something – because the scale wasn’t really moving and I never felt full or dumped or got sick like everyone else.  Now I know I do have a new tummy for sure even though I can’t feel full.  Apparently that is because they’ve cut nerves in the stomach and it might take a while (if ever) to get that feeling back. 

So I’m bawling as I write this.  Just uncontrollable crying.  I can’t afford to go back on medicine so I’m hoping this will pass without getting any worse.  I have a drug plan, but the medicine I was on, after the 80% coverage, still came to over $100/month and it was the only combination that worked.  My dad isn’t supportive, he just thinks depression is a matter of pulling up your socks and working hard.  My brother and sister understand, but I don’t think my other brother and other sister do.  Not that it matters, they all have their own lives now and I don’t see much of them.  I talk to my aunts who are supportive but again they live far away so I can’t just go over for coffee.  Truth is, I’ve isolated myself for so long I don’t have many real-life friends.  I have a bunch of Facebook/computer friends, but no one I see in person.  I’m hoping my new life in Guelph will change that – I’m prepared to change my outlook on life and my attitude to go with my new body. 

Oh well… enough rambling.  Here are today’s numbers

Current weight: 268.2

Starting weight: 320

In hospital weight: 285.3

Total weight lost: 51.8