Day 19 – Monday May 19, 2014

So… It is 1:56 AM and I can’t sleep.  My calves are itchy for some unknown reason, I can’t seem to stop coughing (allergies – woot!) and my cat is running around the house as if his tail is on fire (poor turn of phrase seeing as how he has only a stub for a tail due to an amputation LOL).  So technically it’s the 19th of May even though this feels like the blog for the 18th.  It is a long weekend today… Victoria Day so no work but also stores are probably not going to be open.  This isn’t usually a big deal, except as of midnight I stopped being able to drink my Optifast drinks and can ingest nothing other than clear fluids for today and tomorrow so I’m going to be dying for distraction.  And tomorrow after midnight I won’t be able to have anything at all… not even cough drops so I might just keep coughing till I gag.  Pleasant.  Later today I’ll be going to Guelph to see Sean so that won’t be so bad, but I still would rather we be able to do something other than sit around and think about how I can’t eat anything. 

So I’ve ranted before about how I have no money due to not being paid for a month because my boss and HR didn’t do their jobs and put my time sheets/disability claim in on time and today isn’t going to be a big change.  I’m waiting for a cheque to come in that was supposed to be here Friday sometime via courier but I highly doubt it will come in on a holiday.  My dad fronted me the money that is contained in that cheque because his concern is even if I get it, it will be held by the bank and I won’t be able to use it in time.  Legit concern that I never thought of.  This cheque isn’t that big (but when you have nothing feels huge!) and is the cash portion of a life insurance policy.  I still don’t quite understand how that works despite having it explained to me, but if I can get some emergency funds when I need it – bonus!  Even with this new cheque I’m not going to have quite enough to cover all my outstanding bills (as I said, haven’t been paid for a month meaning neither has anyone I owe) so I’m selling some stuff on Kijiji.  In case you don’t know, Kijiji is an online classified website, similar (but better, in my opinion) to Craigs List.  I’ve sold my seldom-used bicycle (it was a beauty though… was sad to see it and all it represented I wanted to do with my life go), my white display cabinet, and tomorrow I’m dropping off an air conditioner I no longer need.  Well, in theory, I’ll need it for June/July when it gets hot and I’m still at this apartment… but I’ve survived without A/C before so I’ll do it again.  Not happily, though.  I’m also trying to sell my dining room set (pub height table, 6 chairs, a removable leaf and a removable lazy Susan) which I love, but it won’t fit nicely in Sean’s place and my cell phone (which I also love, but I can get one I love just as much for cheaper).  Hopefully I’ll find buyers in the next couple days.  (If you’re in the area and know anyone give me a shout LOL)

Zoey and I have had a pretty good weekend.  I allowed her to spend the night with her friend from the school she went to when she lived with me.  Her dad doesn’t like when I do this, he thinks she needs to spend every minute of every weekend with me.  I understand where he’s coming from, but it’s unreasonable to me because she spent years with the kids in the neighbourhood at school and now doesn’t get to see them at all because she lives across town.  So if I have to sacrifice a night or just a few hours every couple weeks for Zoey to be a little happier I will.  It makes me lonely without her but I think interacting with kids her own age and doing fun things like “hanging” at the park is important.  I say “hanging” because I got in trouble when I said if she wanted to “play” at the park she could.  Apparently 12 year olds don’t “play”.  Duh.  We didn’t have any more deep discussions, but we watched one movie a couple times (she’s like her dad that way) and just spent time together.  When it was time to go to bed she slept with me (she doesn’t like sleeping alone at my house lately for some reason, and I don’t often deny her because I miss her and like having her with me) and cuddled me and said, quietly, “I don’t want you to die”.  Which broke my heart a little. 

About the surgery… I do feel a little guilty.  The program claims they haven’t lost anyone yet so I’m not too concerned… but what if something does happen?  Someone has to be the first.  I don’t want to leave Zoey motherless… and Sean has been alone for so long – he finally seems happy.  My dad, well he lost his wife (my mom) almost 14 years ago, could he handle losing his firstborn too?  I mean, it’s my fault I need the surgery, and it’s completely my choice to have it.  So it kind of feels a bit like it would be suicide if I died.  I mean, its certain death if I don’t do it and continue gaining weight but I’m starting to get a little nervous.  And weepy.  Again, LOL.  Well, I’m not going to focus on it.  At least if something happens it will happen because I’m trying to change my life for the better, not because I felt depressed and swallowed too many pills. 

I have a confession to make.  I cheated.  I ate some pudding.  It was low fat, sugar free pudding… but I’m still not supposed to have it until I come home from the hospital.  I also had a cup of no sugar added grape juice.  I thought I was allowed to have grape juice as long as it has no sugar added, but it turns out that’s only true if it’s white grape juice.  And the shit thing is we debated over buying white or purple grape juice and I decided on purple because I’d never had the white kind before.  I also bought the wrong kind of milk.  Thought I was allowed to have 1% but as I re-read what I’ll be allowed to eat for the first 2 weeks I’m home I realized I’m never allowed to have 1% or 2% milk again.  It will have to be skim milk or soy or almond milk for the rest of my life.  So Zoey will be taking home the milk, and I’ll go buy more and some white grape juice for when I’m home from surgery.  And one more confession… today I felt like I was going to the executioner or something.  So when Zoey and I went to Target we stopped at the Starbucks booth and picked up some drinks and I bought a blueberry square.  I’m not supposed to have caffeine, sugar, milk, or solid food but I did.  I did, however, realize it wasn’t as good as I was hoping it would be.  The drink (Oprah’s Chai Tea Latte – Tall) was way too sweet and the blueberry square just wasn’t satisfying at all.  Definitely not worth the $1.95 + tax I paid for it.  I should have gotten the blueberry scone.  *sigh* So, again, I really cheated for nothing because I didn’t get enjoyment out of it.  Quite possibly a mental thing – I know I’m not supposed to have it so I end up not liking it.

Well, I guess that’ll be all for today.  It’s been almost an hour of thinking and typing, and finally my cat and my cough have settled down.  I should really go back and try to sleep some more. 

Weight for today: 286.0 (wow, apparently Oprah’s Chai Tea Latte and a blueberry square = a 3.2 lb weight gain… hmmm)

Total weight lost while on the optifast diet: 5.4 (not NEARLY enough.  The doctor said he didn’t care if I lost weight but as long as I followed the diet, which for the most part I have.  But I care.  Annoying guy at nutrition class lost 40 lbs in 3 weeks and I stayed hovering between 5 – 11 lbs.  NOT FAIR.)

Total weight lost since I started my journey last year: 320 – 286.0 = 34 (a much better number!)

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