Day 16, May 16 2014

Hello 🙂  today I have Zoey with me.  We had a great heart-to-heart that lasted over 2 hours.  We talked about boys, jobs, school, life… just everything.  Well, I did most of the talking (I’ve been deprived most of the week of human interactions that don’t involve me begging for money) but she seemed pretty interested and teared up when I did and asked questions and gave insight.  It was great.  She’s a great kid.  I explained to her that moving to Guelph (1 hour 45 minutes away from her) is not anything she’s done wrong, or me wanting to be away from her.  I broke down crying and told her I feel like what is there to live for if I can’t be her mom?  Which, I know, I’m still her mom even though she doesn’t live with me but it doesn’t really feel like it sometimes.  I don’t know how her day goes (“How was your day today?” “Fine”) and I don’t get to see her or hug her or kiss her good night.  And for some reason she doesn’t feel the need to talk to me as much as she used to talk to her dad when she lived with me.  It makes me a little jealous.  So I talked about Sean and how I wasn’t choosing him over her (I know she feels this way sometimes) and I explained how I’m dissatisfied with the way my life is going and with her being with her dad now is the opportunity for me to go back to school, get a degree, and get a job I actually like.  (This was also an excellent opportunity to explain how you think you don’t need school because you can get a good paying job, but after a few years you realize you hate it because you’re not living up to your potential and it’s slowly killing you.  So STAY IN SCHOOL and go to college/university even if you change majors half way through.)

I spoke with compensation and disability today.  I called both, since no one felt the need to call me back within the promised 24 hour period.  Disability still has no record of my claim which was given to my boss in March.  I guess its a bit confusing because I have 2 claims going.  The first claim (from March 3rd) says I can only work 3 days a week due to my disability (my depression).  So in between those 3 days I’m supposed to get “topped up” with disability money.  Since they haven’t received any notifications that I need this I obviously haven’t been paid for any time I haven’t worked.  Basically I’ve been getting paid about half my normal pays (which makes it VERY hard to keep up on bills).  Then, I also have my surgery disability which will put me off full time for 6ish weeks, and we knew about almost 3 weeks ago.  They haven’t heard about that either, so I’m obviously not going to be getting paid for those days any time soon (which is going to make it IMPOSSIBLE to pay bills).  I mentioned (sternly) that I was having surgery this Wednesday coming up and I’d really like to know what’s going on before that.  The girl seemed shocked and promised she’d escallate (sp?) my inquiry and get back to me Tuesday – promise.  My dad loaned me some money so I will be able to get food and medicine so I won’t have to do it the day I get out of the hospital, THANK GOD.  I really wasn’t looking forward to having to go out while in pain.  I also got a ride home from the hospital by my nephew’s mother.  It’s weird because we haven’t ever been all that close, but she offered if I was stuck (and I was) so I’m taking her up on it.  Have to pay $40 but it’s significantly less than if I took a cab home. 

I’m getting a little nervous about the surgery.  I’m not worried about dying or anything like that… just worried that I’ll change somehow for the worse.  Like I’ll become vain or something.  That’s probably a stupid thing to worry about, but there you have it.  I’m also worried about being bored in the hospital, but they have a patient lounge and I’ll be bringing my book that I haven’t started yet and I’ll have my phone so I’m sure all will be fine.  I made a shopping list of all the “food” I’ll be able to eat when I get out.  Basically things like pudding, yogurt, broth, popsicles, and of course my protein shakes.  It’ll only last about 3 weeks and then I can start on adding mushy foods.  I’m excited to start eating again.  I managed to get an interview scheduled for when I’m in Guelph this Tuesday with an energy company.  The first time I called I didn’t catch the name of the company (which wasn’t published in the advertisement) so I just got the information that they’re looking to hire ASAP.  I thought about it for an hour and talked to Sean about it and decided I wanted to interview for it so I called back.  After the interview was scheduled I Googled the company name… and found out they have a horrible reputation – they’re gas marketers.  They’re those awful pushy not taking no for an answer people who come to your door and trick you into signing up for gas/hydro contracts.  I’m really hoping the job ISN’T for one of those door-to-door positions, but I have a feeling it might be.  In which case I won’t just be saying “no” I’ll be saying “hell no!” to it.  I also applied to a couple other positions that sounded very promising.  I haven’t heard anything and I’ve been applying to jobs for a couple weeks now… so I’m thinking my resume needs some tweaking.  I’ve never been good at resumes.  And, sad to say, the only 2 actually GOOD jobs I’ve had I’m almost 100% certain I got because the hiring people knew and worked with my parents.  Canadian Tire Financial Services call centre -(my first job when I was 16) actually had a referral program and my parents put my name in so I got hired.  For Canada Revenue Agency the lady doing the hiring is married to a man my dad works very closely with – and we have a semi-uncommon last name so I’m certain she recognized it.  I’m glad for the jobs, but a part of me wishes I had been hired based on my own merits.  I’ve seen some advertisements for people who revamp resumes for $40 so I believe as soon as I can afford it I’ll go to someone and get help.

Well, it’s practically midnight and my eyes are burning.  I’m off to bed!

Weight: 281.6

Total weight lost on Optifast: 9.8

PS – The annoying guy from nutrition class was right… putting raspberry Mio into the chocolate shakes is pretty good!  Zoey didn’t enjoy it, but I did.  Of course she was eating a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips at the time, so her taste buds were probably a little out of whack.

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